Sex is supposed to be fun. But what if you aren’t into it? Or worse yet, it’s painful? We’ll help you feel sexy again with these solutions to 3 common female sexual disorders. Plus, find out what’s lowering your libido with our quiz…
Does it seem like everyone’s enjoying sex except you? Well, you aren’t alone: 43% of women experience some type of sexual disorder, according to the 1992 U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey, considered by experts to be one of the most comprehensive reviews of sexual behavior in the U.S.
Whether your sex life has been derailed because of menopause, inhibition, anger or a physical problem, here are some ways to get the zing back:
1. Lack of Desire
He’s revved and raring to go, but you can’t even get in gear for a night of romping.
Not being in the mood is a common complaint among women and their partners, says sex researcher Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., R.N., professor emerita at Rutgers University.
“Men think their partner isn’t attracted to them anymore,” she says, but other reasons may be to blame.
Why it happens: Stress, exhaustion and spreading yourself too thin can wreck your sex life, says Stephanie Buehler, psychologist and director of the Buehler Institute (TheBuehlerInstitute.com) for sex therapy in Irvine, Calif.
So can a strict religious upbringing, fear of pregnancy and negative messages about sex in your head. A bad sexual experience and no emotional satisfaction in your relationship can also make you feel like a wet blanket in the bedroom.
“Lack of desire is probably the most complex sexual problem,” Buehler says. “And the causes are very individual.”
Even if your head and heart are in sync, physical conditions such as diabetes, fibromyalgia and hormonal imbalance (perhaps from thyroid disordersor menopause) can also throw your sex and love life for a loop.
Once you ID the cause, try these steps to put heat back between the sheets:
- Reduce stress and increase energy level. Maintaining a healthy diet, exercise and balance in your life can help ignite the fire within.
- Make time for sleepy sex. Try this suggestion from Seven Weeks to Better Sex (Westcom Press) by Domeena Renshaw, M.D., director of the Loyola University Health System Sex Clinic in Chicago.
Pick a rendezvous night with your mate and set your alarm clock to ring 90 minutes after you go to bed, which takes advantage of the body’s first sleep cycle, when you should be at peak arousal. When the alarm goes off, take a shower together to refresh you, and then have sex, which will relax you and help you get back to sleep again.
- Look at your relationship. How much conflict do you have? Do you spend enough time together? Does he listen? Do you communicate with each other? Lack of desire could be a symptom of another relationship problem, Buehler says. Couples therapy can help address issues. So can restructuring your life so that your relationship is a priority, Houser says.
- Get the bad thoughts out. Cognitive behavioral therapy, in which patients address negative beliefs and feelings, can help you examine your attitude about sex.
- Expand your options. Sex isn’t just about inserting part A into part B. A woman may want a back rub or cuddling instead, Whipple says. “I encourage people to learn about different parts of the body and be aware of what they like – and to communicate to their partner what they find sensual.”
“People associate arousal with vaginal lubrication,” Whipple says, but it’s more complicated than that.
When women are aroused, more blood flows to the clitoris and its surrounding flesh, which stimulates fluids to seep through blood vessels into the vagina. It also causes the upper part of the vagina, uterus, cervix and clitoris to expand and swells the lower vagina and labia (the flesh at the opening of the vagina) so the vaginal opening shrinks. In other words, your body gets ready to receive a penis.
When a woman isn’t aroused, the blood doesn’t flow and the process shuts down. “Women describe it as just being dead down there,” Houser says.
Why it happens: Many of the same things that inhibit desire also tamp down arousal. “If your vagina is dry and uncomfortable, it isn’t going to feel any stimulation,” Whipple says.
Often, it's because a woman can't let go of her worries and to-do list.
3. Anorgasmia
This is the inability for either sex to experience an orgasm, but the condition is far more common in women. In fact, only about 30% of women have orgasms from sexual intercourse, Whipple says.
Why it happens: Medical problems such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis and gynecological cancers can interfere. So can antidepressants: 70-80% of women taking selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of antidepressants, have a hard time peaking, Whipple says.
Check out 9 Drugs That Can Dampen Your Sex Drive.
But maybe you aren't feeling the fireworks because you don’t know how to have an orgasm or haven’t schooled your partner about your sweet spots.
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